Today I realized that things aren't that bad as they seemed. They're getting to better direction but as pessimistic as I have been lately I think they won't stay that way for long. At some point I'm going to crack again under this fucked upness.

Currently I am missing IAMX. Or rather, seeing them play live. If I'd be little more richer then I would travel to Germany and see them. How on earth one band can create this empty feeling in me? Or maybe it's because Chris is genius songwriter and composer. FUCK! I hate this feeling. And I can't do nothing about it before I win in the lottery or something.

But to the brighter side, tomorrow I can escape for a while to the city life of Helsinki. Worst in that is that I have to bear my parents and my sister. I'm going to this event with my sis and... well. There's nothing much to say. But at least I can shop in a decent clothing stores (read: clothes that actually interests me). Maybe even some recordstores. But the clothes are my priority. And maybe books if I find any good ones. Damn, I'm going to poor once again. After this trip at least.

I shoul probably catch some sleep before.. err... today's happenings. When on earth Tuesday turned to Wednesday?




ps. I love this song from IAMX. And Imogen Heap.
 

If anybody out there is reading this journal I would like to apologize for eating my words once again about the whole updating thing. It seems I tend to forget all this.

I have whole list of things I would like to complain. Simply cut it to as "My fucking life". I'm stuck inside these walls called home. STILL living with my parents, my little sis moved together with his boyfriend. Me, I'm still here, getting fed up with these people I call parents. My mum is driving me insane. She thinks I'm the sanest one in the whole family since my sister seems to be an alcoholic at the age of nineteen. She complains time after time about her how she wastes her life, ruining it totally and so on and I can't get the words out of my out to tell her to shut up. I can't listen anymore, I'm fed up, I totally am. Dad is still trying to say that my sister is going to get better, that she'll calm down now that she's living with her boyfriend and mum just complains, says it's not going to happen.

So she thinks I'm sane? After these year and half I've listened her complaints and moaning an yelling and all? I think not. I'm slowly being driven to insanity, to isolated insanity. And I can't get out, at least not a year. I hope it's not too late by the time. To me. For some months I've thought seeing someone, to talk someone who could help me with my messed mind. I've lost all joy of doing anything I used to enjoy. I can't write anymore, my writers block is stopping it. I stopped reading books because I can't concentrate to the text. But I know that if I'll go see someone in this fucking town by the end of the week every one I know of, every idiotic people I know, knows it and I can't be anywhere anymore. Not that I'll now be anywhere. Cooped up inside these walls without any company I would like.

I have no place to escape this madness. Last friend I had in this town moved out to other town and now I'm supposed to find new ones. How can I when everyone I know is somewhere else? Or they are the ones I don't ever want to see again?

How on earth I had group of friends and friends of friends and now I don't have anyone? It's like I'm unwanted company. Not that it surprises me. I felt like that even when we were at high school.

I hate this. I hate my so called life and if I could be somewhere else, could be someone else, I'd happily be. Could someone please take me out of Finland and take me to some other country?

How am I supposed to concentrate to anything that is important?

Yeah. I think no one is actually reading this. No big surprise as I don't have any friends here. And I seem to forget update this. Is there anybody out there?

I had a life for a short while. Quite actually June 12th - 16th when this festival took place (well 12th-14th) and I was there yet againg doing some work. It was boring this year but afterparty at 14th was amazing. I met two amazing people who me and my friend had seen at the festival area dragging this stuffed toy dog with them. My friend just went to them and asked why they were dragging it around like that. We just hang with them and after the closing time we walked with them back to the town. Or at least tried to walk to the town. We made firts stop near the club we had just been in and all honesty, I don't remember why we did stop. But I wrote to that dog-owner diary as he wanted us all to do. There was like eight of us walking (something similar happened last year except all were workers) and almost we all wrote something. I at least got place to stay at Helsinki when ever I am there. That's very positive. But I think I really had to move in Helsinki as I seem to be there all the time. July is full of Helsinki-centered trips.

Anyway, we dropped to eat nearby gas station (or what ever it's called). It was cool just hang. That happens rarely to me. Eventually w had to leave as our wake-up call happened to be at 10am and it was almost 5am or something like that. We left the other there as their tent was in camping area (where they couldn't go because it was closed and they could only get it the following day) and got couple hours sleep before we were kicked out from the school we were at.

Since the trains were not moving because of the strike me and my friend had to rely on buses. It was real torture for eight hours. Two times we had to change bus and at the second time the bus was late twenty minutes or so. Pure torture. I hated it and so did everyone else.

So that was our Monday. From 1pm to 9pm only travelling from Seinäjoki to Espoo. And I wasn't even home yet!! So on Tuesday I had to to drag my packs for last time from Espoo to Helsinki at the bus station and travel on all the way to home. More torture but on the bright side, I was eventually at home welcomed by my own bed where I dropped and slept on what seemed like eternity.

My Midsommer festivies considered, surprise, surprise, being at home. At HOME!! So lame. Even my little sister had something better to do than I.

I'm so boring. And bored.

Night before last was very intresting for me. I wrote nine hours straight doing little else during that time. Got little over 9000 words in one sitting reaching 10838 words. Amazingly good comparing the word amount I had before that what was 1748. I was amazed about it before I fell asleep.

Now I have reached 13k and hopefully it grows to more from that. I should be sleeping right now as the time is 0:58 and I have to wake up at in five hours. Why, oh why I have to take job just to this month? Argh. Well, what's done is done. No can do. Library awaits me in seven hours to come.

I think I promised somekind of update on my Nanowrimo story... Eh.

Well, for starters it's not going so well as I planned it to go. Now I'm in deep **** and don't know how to write myself out of it. I turned the whole thing in so odd direction that its impossible to decide where to go with it. Goodbye dear plan and welcome new plan that I don't know yet.

And I'm slow this year. Not that I'd be actually trying to get that 50k as I want to have but it doesn't stop my world if I don't get it. I have so much to do, too many things on my life at the same time that I'm not cabable to do much. School's exhausting me down, I'd love to sleep all the time (because I don't seem to get sleep at nights or ever other time) and so on.

But yeah, I'm hanging on there. Writing, planning, doing school and work and trying to have a life once in a while. Maybe it's gets easier when I get some of my school work out of my way. Dunno yet.

I'll try more frequently write here. But don't be surprised if i forget... I tend to do that xD

I've had been too lazy apparently to update this. Anyway, I'm turning new leaf on this and try my hardest to update my progress as Nanowrimo is on. I'm not dead... yet.