And what would kill the bad?

Here is the cancellation

2009-09-08T21:09:04Z

Today I realized that things aren't that bad as they seemed. They're getting to better direction but as pessimistic as I have been lately I think they won't stay that way for long. At some point I'm going to crack again under this fucked upness.

Currently I am missing IAMX. Or rather, seeing them play live. If I'd be little more richer then I would travel to Germany and see them. How on earth one band can create this empty feeling in me? Or maybe it's because Chris is genius songwriter and composer. FUCK! I hate this feeling. And I can't do nothing about it before I win in the lottery or something.

But to the brighter side, tomorrow I can escape for a while to the city life of Helsinki. Worst in that is that I have to bear my parents and my sister. I'm going to this event with my sis and... well. There's nothing much to say. But at least I can shop in a decent clothing stores (read: clothes that actually interests me). Maybe even some recordstores. But the clothes are my priority. And maybe books if I find any good ones. Damn, I'm going to poor once again. After this trip at least.

I shoul probably catch some sleep before.. err... today's happenings. When on earth Tuesday turned to Wednesday?

ps. I love this song from IAMX. And Imogen Heap.

zariariddle @ 2009-09-02T23:17:00

2009-09-02T20:49:13Z

If anybody out there is reading this journal I would like to apologize for eating my words once again about the whole updating thing. It seems I tend to forget all this.

I have whole list of things I would like to complain. Simply cut it to as "My fucking life". I'm stuck inside these walls called home. STILL living with my parents, my little sis moved together with his boyfriend. Me, I'm still here, getting fed up with these people I call parents. My mum is driving me insane. She thinks I'm the sanest one in the whole family since my sister seems to be an alcoholic at the age of nineteen. She complains time after time about her how she wastes her life, ruining it totally and so on and I can't get the words out of my out to tell her to shut up. I can't listen anymore, I'm fed up, I totally am. Dad is still trying to say that my sister is going to get better, that she'll calm down now that she's living with her boyfriend and mum just complains, says it's not going to happen.

So she thinks I'm sane? After these year and half I've listened her complaints and moaning an yelling and all? I think not. I'm slowly being driven to insanity, to isolated insanity. And I can't get out, at least not a year. I hope it's not too late by the time. To me. For some months I've thought seeing someone, to talk someone who could help me with my messed mind. I've lost all joy of doing anything I used to enjoy. I can't write anymore, my writers block is stopping it. I stopped reading books because I can't concentrate to the text. But I know that if I'll go see someone in this fucking town by the end of the week every one I know of, every idiotic people I know, knows it and I can't be anywhere anymore. Not that I'll now be anywhere. Cooped up inside these walls without any company I would like.

I have no place to escape this madness. Last friend I had in this town moved out to other town and now I'm supposed to find new ones. How can I when everyone I know is somewhere else? Or they are the ones I don't ever want to see again?

How on earth I had group of friends and friends of friends and now I don't have anyone? It's like I'm unwanted company. Not that it surprises me. I felt like that even when we were at high school.

I hate this. I hate my so called life and if I could be somewhere else, could be someone else, I'd happily be. Could someone please take me out of Finland and take me to some other country?

How am I supposed to concentrate to anything that is important?

A little peace of Heaven

2009-06-22T10:43:23Z

Yeah. I think no one is actually reading this. No big surprise as I don't have any friends here. And I seem to forget update this. Is there anybody out there?

I had a life for a short while. Quite actually June 12th - 16th when this festival took place (well 12th-14th) and I was there yet againg doing some work. It was boring this year but afterparty at 14th was amazing. I met two amazing people who me and my friend had seen at the festival area dragging this stuffed toy dog with them. My friend just went to them and asked why they were dragging it around like that. We just hang with them and after the closing time we walked with them back to the town. Or at least tried to walk to the town. We made firts stop near the club we had just been in and all honesty, I don't remember why we did stop. But I wrote to that dog-owner diary as he wanted us all to do. There was like eight of us walking (something similar happened last year except all were workers) and almost we all wrote something. I at least got place to stay at Helsinki when ever I am there. That's very positive. But I think I really had to move in Helsinki as I seem to be there all the time. July is full of Helsinki-centered trips.

Anyway, we dropped to eat nearby gas station (or what ever it's called). It was cool just hang. That happens rarely to me. Eventually w had to leave as our wake-up call happened to be at 10am and it was almost 5am or something like that. We left the other there as their tent was in camping area (where they couldn't go because it was closed and they could only get it the following day) and got couple hours sleep before we were kicked out from the school we were at.

Since the trains were not moving because of the strike me and my friend had to rely on buses. It was real torture for eight hours. Two times we had to change bus and at the second time the bus was late twenty minutes or so. Pure torture. I hated it and so did everyone else.

So that was our Monday. From 1pm to 9pm only travelling from Seinäjoki to Espoo. And I wasn't even home yet!! So on Tuesday I had to to drag my packs for last time from Espoo to Helsinki at the bus station and travel on all the way to home. More torture but on the bright side, I was eventually at home welcomed by my own bed where I dropped and slept on what seemed like eternity.

My Midsommer festivies considered, surprise, surprise, being at home. At HOME!! So lame. Even my little sister had something better to do than I.

I'm so boring. And bored.

zariariddle @ 2008-11-10T00:54:00

2008-11-09T23:00:38Z

Night before last was very intresting for me. I wrote nine hours straight doing little else during that time. Got little over 9000 words in one sitting reaching 10838 words. Amazingly good comparing the word amount I had before that what was 1748. I was amazed about it before I fell asleep.

Now I have reached 13k and hopefully it grows to more from that. I should be sleeping right now as the time is 0:58 and I have to wake up at in five hours. Why, oh why I have to take job just to this month? Argh. Well, what's done is done. No can do. Library awaits me in seven hours to come.

zariariddle @ 2008-11-08T02:27:00

2008-11-08T00:37:55Z

I think I promised somekind of update on my Nanowrimo story... Eh.

Well, for starters it's not going so well as I planned it to go. Now I'm in deep **** and don't know how to write myself out of it. I turned the whole thing in so odd direction that its impossible to decide where to go with it. Goodbye dear plan and welcome new plan that I don't know yet.

And I'm slow this year. Not that I'd be actually trying to get that 50k as I want to have but it doesn't stop my world if I don't get it. I have so much to do, too many things on my life at the same time that I'm not cabable to do much. School's exhausting me down, I'd love to sleep all the time (because I don't seem to get sleep at nights or ever other time) and so on.

But yeah, I'm hanging on there. Writing, planning, doing school and work and trying to have a life once in a while. Maybe it's gets easier when I get some of my school work out of my way. Dunno yet.

I'll try more frequently write here. But don't be surprised if i forget... I tend to do that xD

zariariddle @ 2008-10-27T23:10:00

2008-10-27T21:12:23Z

I've had been too lazy apparently to update this. Anyway, I'm turning new leaf on this and try my hardest to update my progress as Nanowrimo is on. I'm not dead... yet.

Love is for the weak

2008-06-18T21:15:37Z

Provinssirock festival at Seinäjoki was last weekend. Now it sadly over and I still can't understand it fully. I had so much fun at there that I really didn't want to leave at all. I was working at there as a volunteer and our little workgroup was the best. I met very wonderful people and I miss them already. Especially one man who was very cool, his life has been very interesting and I envy him a little bit. I think I never experience anything like he has experienced in his life. I have a crush on him too, lolz. I miss him, dearly. But I get to meet him on later time, maybe in august or september, dunno yet.

From Friday to Sunday at the work time we weren't allowed to drink alcohol, but when there were this ending thing at the club called Rytmikorjaamo, we got free drinks, those who were working. We didn't get lift back to the school where we were staying at so we walked there and in the end it was good idea. I got to talk with this guy and we had lots and lots of fun wit our group of eight. We drank whiskey, this guy, Aki, was already pretty wasted but was even more. We found to the school and there were others who too were pretty wasted. There were over ten of us, drinking whiskey, laughing and joking around. Some time later few guys left as they had to catch the train and some others went to sleep. I stayed up until we too had to leave.

Me, Aki and my lil sis walked to the train station and me and Aki talked little more and later at the station he was wondering why I was looking so good as if I hadn't drank anything, especially the whiskey. It had affected him, as he had fallen asleep and my sis went to sleep too and wasn't feeling too good when we were at the station. I was feeling very fine, I think the whiskey hadn't affected me that much even though I drank it quite much. I think I have very good stand at alcohol. Dunno.

Still yet, I had very fun weekend, whatnot I was very tired as I hadn't sleep much and not at all between Sunday and Morning night. So when I went to sleep at Monday night I woke up Tuesday at 2.30 p.m.. Lost nearly the whole day. Don't care, at least I had a very good night at sleep and wasn't so tired and my body aching had stopped.

Next year I go there again. i have to because I loved it and I don't want to miss it, not ever again.

zariariddle @ 2008-05-07T07:06:00

2008-05-07T04:34:54Z

My so fine day yesterday was cut with the accident. I was on a bus, on my way to night school when something happened and I even didn't realize what happened. A dog got under that bus. It was horrible. There we were, twenty something passengers and driver, stopped side of the road, waiting the police to come. Some of the passengers left, some stayed, me including. I went out with some people there and I saw that dog, laying there, unmoving and I felt sick. I think that the owner of the dog wasn't happiest man in the world to watch his dog to suffer from the pain, dying slowly on there, sidewalk.

We waited half an hour and on that time the owner came and said the dog had died, police hadn't came yet and the driver told us who had stayed, to go on with the next bus.

Later in the evening, when I wasn't able to go to my remaining classes, and decided to go home, the same driver was again on the road. He looked okay, but what I heard from his phone calls (I sat behind him), there is going to be consequences. Don't know what, but the owner of that dog is partially guilty as the dog was on loose, running after some other dog, coming between two houses straight under the bus.

And so rest of my day was ruined.

I try not to think too much of it but I can't get rid of the picture that's on my brain. I want to, but I can't.

Maybe it will ease eventually. I hope so.

It can be just like Heaven

2008-04-26T19:56:08Z

30 Seconds to Mars is coming into Finland!! I was like "What the fuck?!" It has been rumored since last year and finally they are coming in this damned country. And I am so going there and no one and nothing isn't gonna stop me from being there.

Oh, joy. I've waited this to happen for two years now. It's been worth I see.

I can't think straight. Damn. Three of my dreams have so far come true. Three of my favorite bands have came in Finland and it's been pure joy and all.

I bought new shoes today. Third ones this year. I'm becoming shoe-freak. Nice.

zariariddle @ 2008-04-07T14:29:00

2008-04-07T11:39:39Z

o.O

Seems I am very good at updating this thing.

There has been lot of things happening in my life lately and it's starting to tire me out. I'm really starting to hate this place called home and I want out, but I can't. I'm stuck and I hate it with passion. I'm nearly turning twenty, living still with my parents, with no money, school still in progress and I HATE MY LIFE.

Best part yet, it really seems nearly all my so called friends have abandoned me. At least I haven't heard most of them in a while. Well, least in coming weekend I am going to see couple of them and even meet new people. And I am able to leave this house for a while and I am happy 'bout it.

I need something to do....

My precious...

2007-07-21T01:31:27Z

Oh my God, I can't believe that I have this amazing book in my hands. Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows is currently on my desk next to me and waiting me to start reading it. I have already read first chapter and it is looking good. I never excpected anything like that what was in that chapter and it's amazing. Can't wait to read more... But I think I'm going to continue my insane chatter inside my head...

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

zariariddle @ 2007-06-27T23:35:00

2007-06-27T20:36:10Z

My own computer is a hostage of an virus. Not very nice if you ask me. I have everything on that fucking machine, every single story, fic and music and I can't take them out there. It pisses me off. So I had to start writing every single word into a paper from that damned computer and you can only guess is that fun... I can't save the music from my computer but I can save the stories and the fics.

Living in a Shadow

zariariddle @ 2007-05-27T00:08:00

2007-05-26T21:23:17Z

Oh My God!

Placebo is coming today!!!! in Finland! I can't fucking understand it still. It is so unreal, but in the same time it is really true. Brian Molko, Steve Hewitt and Stefan Olsdal are coming, here at Finland, and play their excellent music to us.

Fuck.

I. Still. Cant. Believe. It.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I think I go and clear my head...

See you at the bitter end

...

2007-01-10T11:44:06Z

Damn. I think I should be updating this more often. On the other hand, nothing happens in my life so why would I be writing then? Thought I could be just angsting in here. Anyway, because I have nothing to tell, I'll just write somehing nonsense and start a new year in here.

Lol.

I think I just go and start waiting my next class...

Dolls, dolls, dolls..

2006-08-07T21:38:36Z

So I made six dolls and here they are now.. Heh.. I like them..

TiffanyShandraEricaMatthewJohnMaxwell

Hmm..

2006-08-04T18:27:14Z

Sometimes I feel so outsider when I'm hanging with my friends. And I said that today one of my good friends. She understood because she feels sometimes the same. But that may be forgiven to them. They have their own things and I have my own. But it's damn annoying...

I'm bored and I don't know what to do. Tomorrow is one festival but I don't know should I go. And with my lil' sister...

Nah.. I think I go and eat something.

The devil may smile with an angels face

Making this again..

2006-07-24T21:17:29Z

Are You Damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Valhalla

You will die a warrior and be spirited away by warbling wenches to the Hall of the Slain. Meat and mead for ever more, well until Ragnarok, anyway, when you will do battle with giants, giantesses, dwarfs, elves and Nidhug, a dragon who likes to nibble trees. Odin is great!

---

Okey... Sounds good...

I'm tired. I should go to sleep but I think I'm gonna write something before I do it.

Yada yada yada.. Good night everyone...

WOW!!

2006-05-20T22:17:50Z

WE WON!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!! FINLAND WON THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST ON THE VERY FIRST TIME AND BEATING THE HIGHEST VOTE-RECORD. GO LORDI.

Oh I am so happy and excited at the moment. Lordi went in to Athena and WON! And what vote-records.

I can't sleep tonight.

zariariddle @ 2006-05-19T00:24:00

2006-05-18T21:31:56Z

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! GO FINLAND!!!!! GO LORDI!!!

I wanna yell so loud that my voice ain't working tomorrow. This truly is a miracle. Finland is going on Final in Eurovision Song Contest.

WOW. Go Lordi. Go Finland.

Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

The saints are crippled
On this sinners' night
Lost are the lambs with no guiding light

The walls come down like thunder
The rocks about to roll
It's The Arockalypse
Now bare your soul

All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of false
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn Hard Rock Hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn Hard Rock Hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

The true believers
Thou shall be saved
Brothers and sisters keep strong in the faith
On the day of Rockoning
It's who dares, wins
You will see the jokers soon'll be the new kings

All we need is lightning
With power and might
Striking down the prophets of false
As the moon is rising
Give us the sign
Now let us rise up in awe

Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn Hard Rock Hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn Hard Rock Hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

Wings on my back
I got horns on my head
My fangs are sharp
And my eyes are red
Not quite an angel
Or the one that fell
Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell

Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!
Hard Rock Hallelujah!

Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn Hard Rock Hallelujah
Demons and angels all in one have arrived
Rock 'n roll angels bring thyn Hard Rock Hallelujah
In God's creation supernatural high

Hard Rock Hallelujah!

I hate this fucking life..

2006-05-17T19:05:37Z

So now I have to spend one hole week with one annoying bitch who I really, really hate. And with six other guys who I actually really don't know so well. I did want to go to that camp with one of my friends but she there were no space for her anymore. So now I have to suffer hole week. I just so want to kill someone right now...

What else? Next week I have english test. And week after that I have tests' from philosophy and from history. Those should go fairly well. Or I am thinking so. Oh well. We'll see what happens.

I'm going in Helsinki Sunday. Lovely. Can't wait...

Gotta go. Have fun dear friends...

Dark side of the moon...

2006-05-04T16:45:00Z

So we were in the opera yesterday and I have to say this. That opera was boring. But still I had good time with my friends and such. The bustrip was hilarious. There were guys who started playing poker. Again. They play poker at school and each others homes. Trip at home was lovely. One guy started telling jokes bacause our teacher (music) wanted to her them. And guy seated behind me started tell jokes to me after that.

That's enough of yesterday, I think. Tomorrow I'm going to Rauma. Sitting in a bus again. This time eight hours'. Yesterday only two hours. But yeah. I'm not complaining. I like these kind of trips. And when my friends are coming too. Cool.

But I think I'm goint to pack now. Have to get up early tomorrow. And I have to buy a present also...

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman

There is no one home

2006-03-27T15:42:06Z

Last Thursday our school made a trip to a Helsinki in a Swedish theater. In there we were watching musical named Spin. In the stage those actors were talking and singing in swedish. Obiviosly.

Anyway, it was good musical. I liked it and even I didn't understood everything what they said (or sang), I was quite following the plot. And my swedish is not the best in the world.

Well, next time when I'm going to Helsinki is when our school is going to opera. Cool isn't it? Mozarts' "Abduction from the Seraglio". I think it was that. Anyway it's going to be fun trip. I hope it to be.

I think I'll go and eat something.

zariariddle @ 2006-03-05T00:28:00

2006-03-04T22:30:02Z

Your Birthdate: August 22

You tend to be understated and under appreciated.
You have a hidden force to do amazing things, doing them your own way.
People may see you as strange and shy, but they know little.
Your unconventional ways have more power than they (and even you) know.

Your strength: Standing up for what you know is true

Your weakness: You tend to be picky and rigid

Your power color: Silver

Your power symbol: Square

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I found this. Quite good. I agree almost everything what it says.

zariariddle @ 2006-03-01T01:10:00

2006-02-28T23:11:06Z

Winter holidays has already started and I am glad of that. I really needed this break from school. You konw, clear my head and stuff like that.

I'm really waiting summer thought I prefer winter myself. But you know, holidays. Those two months when I don't need to go to school are my life savers.

I think I'm going to sleep. It's getting late here in Finland.

Severus as me or me as Severus?

2006-02-05T20:42:41Z

<td> You scored as Severus Snape.
Well you're a tricky one aren't you?
Nobody quite has you figured out and
you'd probably prefer it stayed that way.
That said you are a formidable force by
anyone's reckoning, but there is certainly
more to you than a frosty exterior and a
bitter temper.

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

I think is fourth time I make test like this and every time I am Severus Snape. But it's okay. Me and dear ol' Sevvie have lot common than everyone else knows about. Oh well. I'll just go and do that what I came to do..